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There were the prerequisite still shots from last night's Fully Loaded
pay-per-view to begin the show and then THE UNDERTAKER started
out the talkfest by bringing both tag team belts with him to the ring (oh,
did I mention Undertaker and Steve Austin won the tag team titles at
the PPV?) and demanding Austin come out and apologise or else they
won't be much of a tag team. Before that can happen, and because
this is the beginning of the show, VINCENT K. and the musketeers
come out - apparently Vince still has a bit of a problem with that whole
"cahoots" thing between 'Taker and his brother. Although Undertaker
*appeared* to settle the whole issue last night by fighting Kane, Vince
thought it weird that one tombstone did the job last night when he
needed three at WrestleMania. Anyway, Vince feels that HE is
deserving of an apology from the Undertaker due to the fact that he put
his hands on the owner last week, oh and by the way there will be a
tag team title defense tonight against the New Age Outlaws. "And
now Undertaker, I am not leaving this ring until you apologise to me."
Of course, we hear the breaking glass so it's time for STONE COLD
STEVE AUSTIN to hit the ring, complete with another new belt. During
Austin's posedown, McMahon and company leave the ring. Austin
says he never asked to be Undertaker's friend, but if a match is going
to be made, then he'll be in it. Austin also declines to apologise,
instead displaying an unfriendly hand gesture. Undertaker's scowl is
almost as cool as Vince's.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, who provide commentary.
We're going to have a Triple Threat Intercontinental title match tonight.
Also, the King will present a tropy in last night's Bikini contest - and
Sable will display a RAW bikini later in the show. Hooray!

D'LO BROWN v. VADER in a nontitle match - in the clip from last
week's title match, Ross calls Chyna "Sable" which proves he's
completely lost it. Brown winning the belt means that the WWF has to
consistently spell his first name, so the apostrophe wins out against
the hyphen. "You know, I've just got off the phone with the promoters
of EuroDisney and they said D'Lo, we've got new two brand new rides
for you - one's called the Sky High and one's called the 'Lo Down." As
Vader enters and we learn this is yet another nontitle match, we take
an ad break.

Oh boy! If I buy some Stri-dex, I can get a cool Triple H poster!

The Highway to Hell Countdown is up to #5!

D'Lo's neck seems a little looser this week. Basically, this match
consists of Vader hitting a power move, but D'Lo not really feeling it due
to that Chest Protector which he's still wearing. Ross says "pectorial"
again. D'Lo actually SLAMS Vader which is pretty damn impressive -
Vader hasn't lost THAT much weight. Then later, he does it AGAIN.
Moonsault finds the mark! 1, 2, shoulder is up. D'Lo lunges, Vader
ducks, and Brown is outside. And now Vader is out, and now Vader is
removing the chest protector. Big splash a la Mark Henry and Vader
re-enters the ring - whoa, referee "Blind" Earl Hebner has been counting
the whole time and Vader beat the countout for the win (4:17). Brown's
clutching his chest.

Backstage, we see a split screen of the two competitors in tonight's
exciting (ugh) BRAWLforALL match - Dr. Death Steve Williams, and
Bart Gunn.

It's "DROZ'S WORLD" - where puking is COOL and snakes and guns
and tongues and other stuff - ah, hell, forget it.

RAW is brought to you by the JVCKaboom!box, Burst gum, Starburst
Fruit Chews, AND Acclaim's WWF War Zone.

Attendance is over eighteen thousand tonight.

DR. DEATH STEVE WILLIAMS v. BODACIOUS BART GUNN in a
BRAWLforALL match - clips from both earlier matches show Williams
beating up Pierre, and Bart beating up his tag team partner Bob - this
is supposed to look exciting, you know. Round One shows Williams
immediately scoring a takedown. Bart lands a left. The rest of this
round is a lot of tying up in the ropes. Punches are about even but I
think Bart got the better of it to tie the first round. Replay shows the
takedown because they REALLY want Dr. Death to advance and aren't
making any bones about it. Round two shows Williams trying to
weasel out another takedown, while Gunn is happy to keep up the
southpaw stance and fire away. Then as a surprise, Gunn hits a
takedown with a few seconds left in the round. Ross speculates that
it's even - I still think Gunn is punching more, but it's fixed you know.
"Unofficial" score has Williams up 15-5, which PROVES that it's rigged
- no WAY Doc won the most punches landed BOTH rounds. Round
three again shows Williams trying to score cheap points with a
takedown - so Bart takes HIM down, and Williams seems to have a
bum knee. Holy crap, Gunn just KO'd Williams with a massive left!
That's gotta make those guys fixing this tourney REALLY unhappy.
Replay shows Bart with some cement block punching, and Williams'
head literally BOUNCING off the canvas. IN fact, he's STILL out. Ross
tries to make Dr. Death sound like he hasn't just ruined his reputation
forever, and certainly I'LL never bring it up next time we see him.
Hahaha...

WHINY BITCH OWEN HART walks to the ring while they're still
attending to Williams. Must be time for an ad break.

USA ad during this break shows a parody of the "60 Minutes" opening -
WWF Sunday Night Heat airs in the 60 Minutes slot starting this
Sunday!

Let Us Take You Back to During the Break - as it takes two people to
help Dr. Death stagger back to the backstage. And now let's turn to
Owen...

"Last night, I proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm the most
Dangerous man here in the World Wrestling Federation, and I also
proved that I am NOT a nugget! I am NOT a nugget! I am the baddest
in the WWF and there's anybody back there or out there who has the
guts to challenege me, I dare you to come out and get a piece of the
baddest man in the WWF." Owen's music plays *again*, and out
comes JASON SENSATION - geez, I hope HE doesn't plan on trying
out Owen. "Well enough is enough and it's time for a change - woooo!
Hey you, tough guy, you think you can come out here and slap me
around, huh? Well I think it's time for you and me to stand nose to
nose, meaning we're gonna be miles apart, woooo! The fact is, Owen,
you're nothin' but a little nugget, and it's time that people start flushing
you down the toilet, dammit, woooo! Nug-get! Nug-get! Nug-get! ..."
Well, before Owen can rush Jason, the music of DAN SEVERN plays
and out walks Severn. At least he removes his jacket before Owen
jumps him...

OWEN HART v. DAN SEVERN - Owen hits from behind to start the
match. Owen does the IRS technique, grabbing Severn's tie and
punching away. The Sharpshooter is locked in, but Severn powers out
(!) and strikes away. Now here's KEN SHAMROCK running in from the
crowd, ending THIS match (DQ? :53) with a giant lariat and a Dragon
sleeper (well, it looks like one). Severn braks it up with a choke on
Shamrock of his own, and a bodyscissors. Owen's hit the bricks and
Jim Ross let's out a "what in thee hell." Now STEVE BLACKMAN is
out to try to help the cartload of WWF officials separate the two UFC
veterans. Of course, Shamrock still wants a piece of Severn, but he
ends up being held back.

Sunday Night Heat is THIS Sunday at 7/6!

Dok Hendrix lets me know locally that Saturday, 1 August is the first
day ticket sale for RAW is WAR at the San Jose Arena Monday, 14
September! Hmmm, I wonder if the WWF would give me a press
pass...

Michael Cole is backstage to get an interview with - well, apparently
Ken Shamrock. "Ken, what happened out there?"
"Whatareyoublindyouidiot? Iseverybodyblindouthere? DAMN!!!"
Shamrock pushes over the chainlink fence.

SCORPIO & FAAROOQ v. DISCIPLES OF APOCALYPSE (with Paul
Ellering and Those Beautiful Titan Bikes) - BRADSHAW has joined the
commentators at the table. He had no problem punking Funk (say
THAT five times fast), because "you don't cross me." Let Us Take You
Back to last week when Ellering tries to run over Road Warrior Animal
with a Beautiful Titan Bike. Ross says that Scorp & 'rooq are
undefeated so gee, I wonder who's going to win. Bradshaw says he's
never seen anything so sick as a clean fight or a fair fight - hey, you
think he's turned heel on us here? Back and forth match favours the
two guys who aren't twins. Faarooq goes outside to follow one of the
twins, the other helps out by getting Faarooq, and then we get a cool
top-rope-to-floor-plancha by Scorpio on the three men. Back in, the
DOA are working over Scorpio pretty good. Jerry Lawler starts to ask
Bradshaw something and Bradshaw grabs Lawler asking him to call the
match - "nobody wants to listen to your Comedy Central!" Ohh..kay...
Next thing we know, after the hot tag to Faarooq and a clothesline to
get (flip a coin) Skull outside the ring, Bradshaw gets up and pastes
him. Ross: "Bradshaw just tagged the DOA - what the hell for?"
Scorpio gets one more lucha-style axehandle before Bradshaw pastes
HIM as well. Now he's in the ring and trading punches with Faarooq
(DQ 3:25) - now all five men are brawling (hey, where's Paul Ellering
anyway?) and out come the WWF officials to break it up. Bradshaw
and Commissioner Slaughter have a brief tet a tet before Bradshaw
exits.

Let Us Take You Back to last night's Free for All, where Lawler takes a
gander at Sable's "bikini" behind a screen.

Backstage, THE ROCK promises that he'll hold onto his
Intercontinental title tonight - even if his two opponents ARE both
members of DX.

The Stri-Dex Triple Action is of Chyna having her way with various
Nation groins...er...

THE ROCK v. HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY (with Chyna) v. X-PAC
(also with Chyna) in a Triple Threat match for the Intercontinental Title -
All I want to know is, which DX member will lay down for the other?
Both DX members arrive together and then Helmsley does that hilarious
Michael Buffer impersonation that always leaves 'em laughing. It's
Helmsley's birthday you know, so I'll pick HIM as the winner. As the
Rock enters, RAW ends and the War Zone begins. As they flash the
title graphic, I can't help but notice that that colour scheme sure
reminds me of a Dr Pepper can. Both DX members work together at
the start, taking turns taking shots at the Rock. Helmsley with a suplex
on the Rock. X-Pac with a lightning legdrop. Both DX guys with that
crotch choppen. Rock manages a clothesline on X-Pac but falls at the
hands of a Helmsley clothesline. Now while X-Pac rests, it's Helmsley
and Rock. High knee on the Rock. Pedigree! 1, 2...X-Pac pulls of
Helmsley! X-Pac covers...1, 2...HELMSLEY pulls X-Pac off. Now
they're arguing - now they're SHOVING...the Rock gets Helmsley out of
the ring. X-Pac with a spinning heel kick for 2. X-Pac is whipped into
Helmsley, who takes out the commentary table on his way down. And
now the Rock is in control, with punches. X-Pac fires back but the
Rock hits a Samoan drop for 2. Bodyslam by the Rock and now it's
time for the People's Elbow. 1, 2, kickout. Helmsley has ALMOST
managed to roll back in the ring. Iblockyou'repunchyoudon'tblockmine
by X-Pac. The Rock manages to counter and hit Rock Bottom, but
Helmsley pulls off the Rock at 2. Now Helmsley and the Rock are
fighting. Helmsley with a knee to the noggin and a lariat. 1, 2,
shoulder squeaks up. X-Pac is getting to his feet while the Rock
clotheslines Helmsley. X-Pac with the face slam but again Helmsley
pulls away his friend at 2. Again the two DX'ers are having a
discussion, now a heathed discussion, now Helmsley pastes X-Pac.
And now X-Pac is firing back. Back and forth, they're both fighting, and
the Rock has rolled away. Now while both guys are fighting, the Rock
is walking away and referee "Blind" Mike Ciota is counting him out,
taking time out to count a near fall for X-Pac (that must confuse him....
"1...2...3...1, 2...4...5...6..") Anyway, when the two DX'ers had a golden
opportunity for one of them to lay down so the other could get the belt
they both blow it and the Rock is counted out, stopping the match and
guaranteeing that he keeps his belt. (COR 6:54)

Fully Loaded Encore ad has an awful lot of censoring for some strange
reason...

Another local RAW ad during this break.

Michael Cole, backstage, interviews the New Age Outlaws. Jesse
James is sporting his Kid'n'Play hairdo. They're not worried about
Helmsley and X-Pac's differences - they're only worried about getting
back their titles.

BRAKUS v. JESUS (no entrance) - surely an auspicious debut to take
on the son of God! Brakus is rated TV-PG-V and comes out to Mark
Henry's good-guy music (I guess I'm not supposed to remember that,
ha!). Clip of Savio taking apart Brakus in the Bral for All match is
supposed to make Brakus look good - it doesn't. Lockup, powerout.
Brakus whips Jesus and hits a powerslam. Elbow drop. Brakus sure
does a lot of shouting for a German guy. Another elbow drop. Stomp
on the back. Spinebuster. 1, 2, 3. Whoops, that's it. (:51)

Let's see Val Venis in the shower - hey! There's Yamaguchi-San's wife!
She has tanlines, too! As Ross says "what thee" let's take that ad
break now.

VAL VENIS v. TOO SEXY BRIAN CHRISTOPHER (with Scott Too Hot
Taylor, no entrance) - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where
Venis interrupts the Crawl of Shame ceremony. "If you wanna hang out
at Disneyland all you want, that's damn well okay, but if you want the
ride of a lifetime, hop aboard the big Valbowski!" I finally saw the Big
Lebowski last week, and I have NO idea how that relates. Before the
match starts, the music of KAIENTAI fires up and there they are along
with YAMAGUCHI-SAN, a Samurai sword and some sausages - I can
guess where this is going and I'm uncomfortable about it. Glorified
squash ends with a fisherman's suplex (2:13) although Christopher
DOES get a cool DDT. After the match, Too Much doubleteam Venis
and TAKA MICHINOKU makes the save (he didn't walk by Kaientai on
the way out, did he?) Finally, we turn back to Kaientai - there's a
challenge for next week, and after they win the match, Yamaguchi is
going to chop up a bratwurst. No, I guess that's symbolic. For those
of us who still didn't get it, Yamaguchi says "I choppy choppy your pee
pee." Graphic replay of the sausage halving. Suddenly I crave a
sandwich.

Michael Cole interviews the Legion of Doom 2000 - well, Animal,
anyway. Hawk just stands there.

MARK HENRY & THE GODFATHER (with three ho's with six shiny
breasts) v. LOD TWO THOUSAND (with goofy helmets) - Godfather
reminding us that he's a pimp, you see. Hawk trips on his way into
the ring - and he forgot his shoulder pads, too. I guess he's supposed
to be doing his Scott Hall impersonation for us, if you get my drift.
Animal starts out with Mark Henry. Shoulderblock and nobody moves.
Repeat. The third time Henry goes down. Tag to the Godfather, who
has a bit more success - must be that Ice-T hairdo. Animal gains the
advantage and turns to make a tag - but Hawk has apparently fallen
asleep. Meanwhile there's been a tag to Henry and a big legdrop for 2.
Commentators are now confused and spending more time talking about
Hawk - apparently he received some disturbing news but we're not
going to find out what it is. Animal still manages to put in a good
showing, but the two usually win in a two on one. Finally, the
Godfather is lifted for the Doomsday Device, but Hawk can't climb to
the top without falling to the floor, so Godfather reverses and hits a
Spicolli driver for the pin (3:49). So now there's a big problem with
Hawk, which we'll hopefully learn a lot more about in the coming
weeks. Apparently, just off camera, one of the lovely ladies gets
groped bigtime by a front-row fan...now THAT'S entertainment!

Shot of Sable getting her hair teased...later she'll tease US with a RAW
bikini.

Jerry Lawler brings out JACQUELINE (with Marvelous Marc Mero) and
SABLE for the (ahem) big trophy presentation for last night's "bikini"
contest. Just before presenting the big trophy, Lawler is handed a note
"from the desk of Mr. Vince McMahon: Due to the fact that body paint
does not constitute a bikini, Mr. McMahon has disqualified Sable from
the bikini contest and is declaring Jacqueline the winner!" If you're
going to split hairs, Jackie wore a one-piece, but I guess we're not
going to split hairs. Sable's reply: "You know I don't need any stupid
trophy to tell me that I won this contest. I think the fans spoke for
themselves. I'm not surprised at all that this happened, in fact I rather
expected it. I only wish that Mr. McMahon would have been man
enough to come and tell me to my face." If you're thinking this will
bring out VINCENT K., you're right. "Did you say MAN ENOUGH?"
Vince is growling, faking kicks at the photographers, bullying Lawler
out of the ring. "I've dealt with a lot of ingrates that I've made
superstars before, but I never thought you'd be one of them. Marc Mero
tricked you - you were no longer contractually here in the World
Wrestling Federation. Who was the knight in shining armor? Me -
Vince McMahon." Vince gets hit with a roll of toilet paper and not only
takes it in stride, but in character. Vince tells Sable that people like
her are "a dime a dozen" and he'd have no problem replacing her with
any number of "bimbos and airheads." He makes it clear that she is
in debt to him and he plans on "collecting," as he twirls her hair around
his finger. Right around here is where my VCR stopped working, but it
ends with Vince snarling, telling her not to be an "ungrateful bitch." In
return, Sable flashed the double bird to Vince behind his back (sure,
he'll NEVER see it on a replay) and displaying her RAW bikini, which
didn't seem that RAW after last night, if you catch my drift.

Shot of the Code Red set - anybody managed to pick this up yet?

UNDERTAKER (still with both belts) & STONE COLD STEVE
AUSTIN v. THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS for the WWF Tag Team
Championship - Billy Gunn is wearing tights that look like they were
stolen from Well Dunn - remember them? Stone Cold punts a beach
ball from the crowd - those wacky SoCal crowds - I'm surprised they
haven't left already to beat the traffic like they do at the Laker games.
Gunn does a double bicep - so Austin starts to do a double bicep in
return - but flips the double bird instead. There's some wrestling in this
match, too, yeah. The Outlaws finally get their tag match formula heat
segment when Billy chopblocks Undertaker while the ref is busy
keeping Austin from protesting about Billy being in the ring illegaly.
Fans continue to bat beach balls around, causing Jim Ross to remark
that the fans are in a "festive" mood. Anyway, my VCR finally dies for
the last time while the Outlaws are still working over the Undertaker, so
I'm unable to accurately describe the ending, other than to tell you that
somehow Austin gets tagged in, cleans house, stuns the Road Dog
and gets the pin. (about eight minutes?) Then, although he STILL
doesn't apologise, he throws a beer to the Undertaker (Coors Light?
UGH!), who drinks it. And then Mankind and Kane come out to attack
as we fade out.

So I'm going to buy a new VCR, work through this depression, and be
back next week, on time, and better than ever! Yeah!

Christopher Robin Zimmerman
chris@kzim.com