The show is close-captioned, but they STILL can't figure out
of the opening theme song. FIREWORKS! LIVE from the ConAir Arena
in East Rutherford, New Jersey, it's RAW! It's also en espanol sea
disponible, and VLADIMIR is in the front row!
Holy crap! It's SHAWN MICHAEL'S music playing! And it's the REAL
Shawn Michaels! He's even trimmed his hair and shaved and
everything! He must be whipped...anyway, he takes the third chair,
joining our hosts, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, who provide all
commentary. I'll give him a moment in the spotlight before I ask myself
why he didn't come out to the DX music - well, actually, it's probably
better that he didn't. "I was sitting at home last night - I saw wrestling
fans BRUTALIZED by the competition and I thought to myself...I gotta
come back." Ross asks Michaels when he's coming back, and Shawn
says he doesn't know.
UNDERTAKER v. VADER (inexplicably, still wearing mask) - what the
hell is this? We can't start Monday Night RAW without a Vince
McMahon interview! Well, I guess I'll let it go...*this* time. Undertaker
motions to turn on the lights, but Kane's ringpost fire thing ALSO goes
off and 'taker almost burns his own face - did he MEAN to do that?
Before the match even starts, we are treated to the music of KANE,
and there he is, along with PAUL BEARER and MANKIND. Well, did
the match change when I wasn't paying attention? Kane lights the
ringposts on fire again - I guess they're just going to stick around the
ringside area. Vader, who was looking at the ringside occupants, had
his back to the Undertaker - a mistake. This match is pretty
back'n'forth. 'Taker shows a pretty nice - well, let's call it a jumping
Rocker dropper (no hands, too!) 'Taker does his tightrope walking thing.
Clothesline and Vader is sent out. The Cult of Bearer does nothing.
Undertaker walks out and hits Vader against the barricade. Undertaker
and Kane share a look - and that's all Lawler needs to conclude that
Kane and 'taker ARE in cahoots. Vader counters an attack by turning it
into a powerslam. Vader with the ham hocks, clothesline, splash, 1, 2,
no. Elbowdrop by Vader. Fans are so excited by this match they're
chanting "HBK." Shawn Michaels rectifies a situation by praising
Mankind's performance at King of the Ring more than either other
commentator did the previous two weeks. Vader with a big splash from
the second rope but only 2. The Pale Destroyer comes back with a
chokeslam, then a Tombstone for the pin (4:38). Mankind has a chair -
he's going to hit the Undertaker - no, Kane grabs the chair from
Mankind. Now KANE hits VADER with the chair. Now, Kane's music
plays - huh? Now we're all confused. Are Undertaker and Kane working
together or not? Replay of Kane taking the chair from Mankind.
We cut to a shot of EDGE, who is up there in the nosebleed section
(but his nose is surprisingly blood free!) There's Charles Waay and
Tyrone Wheatley! They're New Jersey Giants!
Skittles brings you WWF: FULLY LOADED! Get fully loaded and pay
good money for it!
BART GUNN v. BOB HOLLY in a BRAWLforALL match - All three
commentators have pretty funny things to say, running down last
night's WCW main event - I can't believe Michaels admits to paying for
it, though! Ross tells us that Jim Cornette has resigned as the Midnight
Express' manager, due to their participation in this tourney. Playing the
part of Danny Hodge is normal WWF ref JACK DOANE. Before the first
round, Bob's got a little shove. Bart's a southpaw, don'cha now. Round
1 was boring. I guess Bart got more punches in but it was close... the
trainers are slightly more interesting than the fighters. Round 2 is a
little better, I guess. This fight is settling into Bart letting Bob hit him in
the body while he tries to set up good shots to the head. Shawn
alludes to Bob's racing career - he's been gone longer than I thought!
Bart staggers Bob in the third round but I don't think it's gonna happen.
Lawler tells us that we'll be treated to another Brawl later in the show -
Severn vs. Kama. Yo. Well, at least nobody tried a takedown tonight,
that's a good thing. Still, you have to wonder why Ross still tries to sell
this to us. Bart is announced as the winner (15-0) - and they play the
Brawl theme instead of the Midnight Express theme. Bart looks for the
handshake - and Bob CLOBBERS him. A brief scuffle ensues but is
quickly broken up. Hmm, I'm starting to wonder if this might not just be
booked after all...
Last week, DX portrayed the Nation. We are reminded of who played
who. That guy who played Owen Hart was Jason Sensation, and we
are treated to highlights of his performance - still dead on and dead
funny. We cut to the back, and the NATION are back there, shouting
and pointing - but the TV screen doesn't answer. When we come back,
we'll get their response.
They're STILL back there in heated discussion - meanwhile, JASON
SENSATION himself is at the commentary table - Jerry Lawler has him
do some Owen. Then he does some Bret, and Shawn asks "Who is
that, some midcarder?" More Owen. Some Undertaker. Shawn
Michaels. Steve Austin. I think his Owen is definitely the best one. So
he does some more Owen. Jim Ross brings it back to reality by asking
him what a fan he is - Jason says he is only a fan - he has nothing but
respect for the superstars. Bringing in the NATION who's in the back.
The Rock is unhappy with Triple H - Kama is gonna show the Badd
Ass that "pimpin' ain't easy" (hey, that's an Ice T song!). Mark Henry
tells X-Pac "you worried about my chest? You need to worry 'bout my
hands wrapped around your scrawny little neck!" D-Lo tells Jesse
James he better recognize. And Owen gives it to Jason Sensation
including something that's censored - Lawler says not to worry, he
won't really come out - so Jason does a little more Owen. Then Owen
comes out and slaps the taste out of his mouth. After a little shoving for
the King, Owen grabs Jason and puts him in the ring. Then he puts the
Sharpshooter on him, and Jason does a damn fine job of selling. The
rest of the Nation comes out to stop Owen - who looked as if he'd
rather keep going, all things being equal. Now D-GENERATION-X is out
to make the save. The Nation scatter.
During the break footage shows DX walking Jason back to the back to
get medical help.
THE ROCK & WHINY BITCH OWEN HART v. X-PAC & HUNTER
HEARST HELMSLEY (with Chyna) - DX attacks before the bell and the
brawl is on. All four men are fighting and DX is getting the better of it.
Either Shawn says something or Owen and the Rock, outside the ring
near the table, say something that gets muted. Dammit, just let it go.
We learn that just added to the Fully Loaded card is the Rock vs.
Helmsley in a 2-out-of-3 falls match. All right! Title for title AND 2/3
falls, about time we had some matches like that. Eh, whatever. X-Pac
and the Rock are in the ring. The Rock with a Samoan Drop for 2. Tag
to Owen, who climbs the ropes and delivers a top rope elbow drop for 2.
Ross asks Michaels what his relationship is with DX - Shawn demurs,
but leaves the impression that his role with the WWF is purely on
colour for now. Meanwhile, Owen has been working over X-Pac but can
only get 2 every time. X-Pac tries to come back but Owen ducks a
cross body block. Owen with a backbreaker and a tag. Hart and Maivia
make a wish. Hart climbs the ropes and points to his genitalia for the
fans. The Rock, meanwhile, has continued his attack on X-Pac. X-Pac
FINALLY comes back with a series of martial arts kicks. Rock fires
back with a lariat for 2. There's a bodyslam. And now, it's time for the
People's Elbow(tm) but again, only 2. Hunter's in, distracting referee
"Blind" Mike Ciota, so the Rock hits a blatant blow in "un foul" region.
Chyna's up to complain, Owen is over to discuss politics with Chyna,
Ciota turns to them, so Helmsley waffles the Rock with the European
title. X-Pac manages to cover but Rocky rolls the shoulder after 2.
Before X-Pac can make it to his corner, Rocky is up and giving a cheap
shot to Helmsley. But when he turns around, X-Pac has recovered -
and hits a faceslam - for a pin! (6:30) The NEW AGE OUTLAWS are
out to congratulate their stablemates and all five walk back, while Owen
and the Rock fume in the ring about what might have been.
Backstage, we see Marc Mero and Jacqueline doing the touchy-feely
thing. When we come back, Mero takes on Steve Blackman - and
Sable will be out for commentary!
As we see a live shot of the Tri-State area, we learn the RAW is
brought to you by WWF: The Music, Volume 2 (Goodygotit!), the JVC
Kaboom!box, and Mead *****, the toughest name in something or other.
SABLE bounces out to join the commentators. Ross and Michaels
make two different "Fully Loaded" puns, while Lawler fawns over her
headset. "Anything I say complementary about her, Jennifer, is a joke."
See, Shawn IS whipped! Sable promises that the suit she'll wear at
Fully Loaded will make her Slammy suit look like an evening gown.
MARVELOUS MARC MERO (with Jacqueline) v. STEVE BLACKMAN
(with Riggs & Murtaugh - in a theatre near you!) - my VCR conked out
here, so I probably missed some dynamite double entendres - or
maybe I didn't. This is return match from that stellar Brawl for All
contest we're all still trying to forget from two weeks ago. The fans are
so into this match they're chanting "Sable" as if it was "Goldberg."
Next thing we know, Jackie is trash-talking Sable. Next thing we know,
referee "Obviously not Blind" Jim Korderas is out to separate the four -
er, two women. Meanwhile, in the ring (I'll *bet* you were wondering
when I was going to describe some ring action) Mero has done his
trademarked low blow, and a fallaway slam - why not a TKO? Because
he's calling up Jacqueline for a top rop manoeuvre. Unfortunately, we
don't get to see it, because Sable has moved the rope, crotching
Jackie! Neither the commentators nor myself have any idea if that
actually hurts...anyway, Blackman hits a snappy high kick for the pin.
(2:09). Mero is annoyed that Sable's cost him another match.
We take a backstage shot of DX, and another one of Paul Bearer's
Cult. Those two teams will fight for the Tag Team Titles - NEXT!
THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS (with Chyna) v. KANE & MANKIND (with
Paul Bearer) for the WWF World Tag Team Championships - the
Champs come out first, so we can all sing along with Colin - err, Jesse.
Almost a whole hour has come by, and two chance, and Jim Ross has
NOT said "hell fire and brimstone" a SINGLE time. I find this extremely
troubling. The attendance is announced at 17,569 - I think Ross just
wanted to sneak a 69 in there to see if I'd notice. Before the match
starts, BONG....BONG...and out comes THE UNDERTAKER. Why?
Just 'cause, I guess. I missed the opening bell, but James and
Mankind start. Oh yeah, Mankind is still wearing the shirt and tie.
Mankind and James go back and forth, then Gunn is tagged in - Gunn
drops Mankind on his separated shoulder - before he can tag in Kane,
he rolls to the outside, where Chyna is waiting, and whacks him in the
shoulder with a tag belt. Back in, tag to James, who wraps Mankind's
arm around the top rope. Mankind comes to, whips James into a
corner, and lunges at James - who moves. Mankind whacks his own
shoulder again. Tag to Gunn, who jumps - but lands in a Mandible
Claw! James breaks it up, but Mankind gets a chance to tag in Kane.
As you can imagine, Kane has no problem doing whatever the hell he
wants. Gunn ends up outside, where Mankind whips him into the
STEEL steps. Meanwhile, we have no idea what exactly Undertaker is
doing out there. And here's THE ROCK & OWEN HART - what are
THEY doing here? In the ring, Gunn and Mankind have butted heads
and both men are down. Tag to Kane - tag to James. Jeames is a
house on fire - or is he? All his punches have no effect on Kane. James
give Mankind two shots to make sure he doesn't come back. Gunn is
in - piledriver on Mankind! The Outlaws are doubleteaming Kane, and
he's finally off his feet after Gunn hits a Rocker dropper. James with a
side Russian legsweep - X-PAC and HHH are beating up Owen and
Rocky. Gunn is out to help - MARK HENRY is out - referee "Blind" Tim
White goes outside to break up THAT melee - wait! Now D-LO BROWN
is here - frog splash on James, right on D-Lo's chest protector! Kane
hits a tombstone on James - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have
new tag team champions. (5:09ish)
I doubt they needed it, but we'll score an assist to the Nation. All of DX
is complaining to the ref, to no avail.
Steve Austin has a 3:16 jersey! Oh boy! And only $48.99? Hell yeah!
What a deal! Where's my piggy bank?
Backstage, we see Hunter pleading DX's case to VINCENT K. himself -
this is like the first time we see McMahon tonight, ten minutes into the
TAKA MICHINOKU & TOO MUCH v. KAIENTAI (with Yamaguchi-San) -
Anybody wanna tell me how THIS match came about? Christopher and
Funaki start - Christopher with a Sunset flip - tag to Taylor, neat
doubleteam moves. Tag to Teoh, Taylor knocks him down. Taylor with
a kick and a gutwrench, then a moonwalk. Tag to Taka. Big kick to the
head, dropkick from the top rope. Taka motions for the Michinoku Driver
- the other two Kaientai members run in and clock Taka - Too Much run
in to protect their teammate and all three scatter. Togo ends up
accidentally clotheslining his partner, and Christopher is tagged in.
Nice powerbomb by Christopher after a series of switches. Tag to
Taylor. Christopher dropes Taylor in a legdrop for 2 (save by
teammate). Taylor with a dancin' elbow that misses. Togo with a
moonsault. 1, 2, Christopher saves. The other two Kaientai members
are in to double dropkick for 2 - Taka saves. Taylor with a suplex for 2
(save) - see a pattern? Taylor and Michinoku are arguing - Taka
dropkicks Taylor into a powerslam and sentonbomb for the pin. (3:39) -
now Christopher is in to pound on Michinoku, and he's thrown out of the
Too Much console each other while - whoops, there's VAL VENIS
appearing on the ramp. "Hello, ladies - Yamaguchi-San! Last week,
when your gang of three came out and attacked me from behind, and
you took your wide open hand and slapped me across my face - I
realised two things. #1, I was wrong. #2, I realised that no man should
ever, EVER mess with another man's wife. So with that in mind, I would
like to offer you my most deepest, sincere apologies. Furthermore, to
show you exactly how sincere I really am, I would like to offer you a
chance to view a special view of my latest video entitled "Land of the
Rising Venis." The scene is Venis in bed, moaning, and saying
"Honey, did you find the remote?" Now if you've been paying any kind
of attention at all, you don't need me to tell you that his costar is Mrs.
Yamaguchi-San, do you? She seems happier. "Hey, Yamaguchi-San!
Huh huh huh, when they get a taste of the big Val-bowski, they never
ever come back, heh heh." So let's see, Venis steals a guy's wife - and
HE'S the GOOD guy in this feud?
We see another shot of Mr. McMahon. He's NEXT!
Skittles presents the Slam of the Week - it's from last week's RAW is
WAR, and it's EVERY time the Undertaker screwed up a match by
chokeslamming everyone involved. We are treated to a replay of Ross
screaming "Who's your daddy D-LO?!?"
Well, it's about 80 minutes too late, but VINCENT K. is finally out to
share a few words with us. "Thank you very much for that warm
Tri-State reception! In a few moments I will address whether or not we
will have the Tag Team rematch in this ring, but for now I would like to
introduce the most demonic, the most twisted soul in the WWF, the
UNDERTAKER." And out he comes. Again. It's probably important to
note that 'taker's scowl never meets the gaze of McMahon, going so far
as to avoid Vince's gaze as he walks around the ring. "Well, aren't we
proud of ourselves as of late? My goodness, what won't you do to
become the WWF Champion? Let's just revisit Hell in the Cell if we
may. Look what you did to Mankind. The only hell was experienced by
Mankind, not you. You were making a statement. 'No thing or no body
will get in your way of becoming the WWF Champion.' And then,
notwithstanding you chokeslamming just about every WWF Superstar
on the roster into oblivion, of course then you had to go and pull that
stunt of last week, and I must say that was a bit of genius. You fooled
EVERYBODY, including me, and I'm not easy to fool. (Shawn:
"Welll...") However, the question is, whether or not, you are doing all of
this on your own, or whether or not last week, you had some help from
your brother. Now you've refused to answer everyone else who's put the
question to you, you won't refuse Vince McMahon. (UT turns to face
him.) So now, the question is Undertaker, are you in cahoots with your
brother Kane? Answer me." "You want an answer?" And he grabs the
mic forcefully from McMahon. "You can go to hell." "Who do you - hey,
who do you think you are," and this time when Vince says it, it's not as
forceful and not without a touch of fear in his voice. Of course, to save
his ass, I hear breaking glass...and out comes STONE COLD STEVE
Hmm, you think he'd be happy to see Vince get his, but oh well. "The
Undertaker just told ya to go to hell, so spin around and I'll give you a
kick in the ass, and give you a little head start!" Austin addresses
Undertaker, saying he respects that he had the guts to ask him to his
face for a title shot, but before SummerSlam, they have to team up in
the Fully Loaded Main Event against Kane & Mankind. In short, "where
the hell are you coming from?" Undertaker's answer: "You go to hell
with him!" Next thing we know, out come D-GENERATION X to join the
Helmsley takes the mic. "You know it seems that everybody here in
the WWF wants answers, but with all due respect to probably the two
toughest SOB's in the WWF today, DX would like some answers from
you, Mr. McMahon. But before I ask the question whether the Outlaws
get a rematch tonight, let me tell you the answer. The answer is
yes...and what you're gonna get, you're gonna get to find out whether
the Undertaker and Kane are in cahoots. What you're gonna do is give
us that match and give us three referees - one on the inside, and two
Special Enforcers on the outside - the Undertaker, and Stone Cold
Steve Austin." Vince: "You got it!" Helmsley: "So you're saying we get
our match - we only got two words left for you, McMahon - SUCK IT!"
Before we leave, we get to see Austin flip McMahon the bird one more
Backstage, we see a split screen of the Godfather and Dan Severn
getting ready for their BRAWLforALL - it's NEXT!
SummerSlam is only SEVEN weeks away! Highway to Hell!
Hey, there's EDGE!
THE GODFATHER v. DAN SEVERN in a BRAWLforALL match - Ross
plugs UFC: A Night of Champions - this Friday on Pay Per View! While
Jack Doane gives the instructions, let's take an ad break. Round 1:
Kama is trying to punch - oh, I guess we're not supposed to call him
Kama anymore. Meanwhile, Dan is trying for takedowns - ehh, what a
wuss. Godfather tries to hit the kidneys while Severn clenches. Also,
Severn refuses to break the hold. Round 2: Same. Kama punches and
Severn works the takedowns - but once he HAS the takedown, he
doesn't let go. In fact, Doane calls for a penalty for Severn's stalling.
Man, this one is so BORING. Kinda like Severn's UFC bouts. Lawler
shouts out "These people wanna see some HAYMAKERS!" but I don't
think Severn was listening. "We want wrestling" chant fires up.
Commentators are now openly rooting for the Godfather to paste him.
Unofficial score has Kama ahead, but I think they're being a bit harsh in
not counting Severn's takedowns. Michaels calls Severn "Ken
Shamrock" once this round. Well, this fight SUCKED, and I blame Dan
Severn. Of course, he wins (points). Hey, when are we gonna see a
damn TOURNAMENT bracket for this, huh?
Split screen shows Undertaker and Steve Austin preparing for their
guest referee slots. Undertaker paces, while Austin opens up a
Whup-Ass Ale and takes a swig. After RAW, check out CODE RED at
wwf.com - Kevin Kelly is arguing with somebody about something. Eh,
KANE & MANKIND v. NEW AGE OUTLAWS in a return bout for the
WWF Tag Team Championship - Ross gets a third and final chance to
say "hellfire and brimstone" and doesn't take it - how very sad.
Undertaker and Steve Austin also get entrances (Austin brings his
cooler), and I'm wondering how much time we'll have left for this match -
it's nine 'til already. The reg'lar referee for this match is Mike Ciota.
Immediately, all four men start brawling again - Gunn and Mankind
outside, Kane and James inside. Gunn delivers a WICKED shot on
Mankind's head with the STEEL steps. Kane runs the ropes, but Gunn
stops him short. James with a dropkick to the knee, Gunn with a
chopblock and Kane falls. Outlaws make a wish. They leave Kane and
both attack Mankind on the outside. To the ramp, and before the
double suplex, Kane knocks over all three men with a double
clothesline. Kane grabs James by the hair and brings him back to the
ring. Big boot to the head. Kane with a choke, and a lunge for Ciota at
4. Hard Irish whip. Kane stands on the throat. Tag to Mankind.
Punches and chokin'. Kick to the head. Repeat. And one more, why
not. James lunges for his corner, but doesn't make it as Mankind grabs
him by - the teeth? Back to his own corner and the doubleteam is on.
Tag to Kane. Shot to the gut, and another to the face. Sidewalk slam
and Kane climbs the ropes - top rope clothesline - 1, 2, Gunn breaks it
up. Back into his corner and there's a tag. Whip, boot to the gut,
swinging neckbreaker by Mankind. 1, 2, Austin points out that the
Road Dog's foot is on the rope. Sleeper applied, but they're backed
into the corner. Tag to Kane. James' head meets the turnbuckle. Chop
(woooo!) - tag to Mankind. Finally, Billy Gunn figures he'd better do
something, and he comes in and beats up Mankind. Somehow in all
this, Ciota ends up on the wrong end of a splash and gets wiped out.
Now it's a headbutt to James. Now James hits a Golotta on Kane and
cradles him. Austin goes in to make the count - 1, 2, Undertaker pulls
him out. A brief argument ensues on the outside, while on the inside,
Kane has the Road Dog up - chokeslam! Undertaker is in to count - 1,
2, AUSTIN pulls HIM away. Now there's a staredown - now Kane's
hitting Austin. Now Undertaker and Mankind are going at it. Now the
NATION has hit the ring - here comes DX! Now Austin's stunned Kane!
Undertaker has chokeslammed Helmsley! Now they're alternating
people, Austin with the Stunner and Undertaker with the chokeslam!
With the ring clearing out - Undertaker and Austin are the only ones
...oops, we're out of time. Dammit!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
E-mail CRZ at: