Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, MIKE TENAY, and LARRY
"DOES THIS GOLDBERG TEE MAKE ME LOOK FAT?" ZBYSZKO.
Tony turns to Larry, who imagines hearing the crowd chant his
name
and stands up. Tenay, master of understatement, says "the
phenomenon that is Goldberg is nothing short of phenomenal."
Tenay
is ALSO quick to point out that last week's Goldberg/Hogan match
was
the highest rated segment in the history of professional
wrestling on
cable television, and Tony pouts because HE didn't get to say it.
As
the crowd erupts into a loud "We want Flair" chant...
Let Us Take You Back to more clips of the psychological intensity
that
was Hogan talking, Goldberg headbutting a locker, walking to the
ring,
taking out Scott Hall, then performing the jackhammer on the
Chump to
become the new Champ. SEE Hogan say "I am gonna kick
Goldberg's....BUTT!" SEE Goldberg spear Hogan without using
his
head! SEE the jackhammer as Tony says "Awww, hell
yeah!" SEE
Goldberg hold the Twenty pounds of gold so you can't see the
spraypaint! HEAR the incredibly fake and looped Goldberg chant on
tape! TRULY THIS WAS THE MOST HISTORIC MOMENT IN THE
HISTORY OF OUR SPORT!
Do you smell Voodoo Chili? Why, it's almost as if the show
doesn't
REALLY start until YOU KNOW WHO makes his way to ringside,
accompanied by CRACKA EAZY-E, BOOTY DISCIPLE, SCOTT HALL,
CURTRICK HENNIGRUDE, VINCENZO, and DAMN! LIZ looks HOT
tonight. I would ask where Giant, Steiner and Adams are, but I
guess I
don't care. I would ALSO ask why Hennig keeps pattin' Hall on the
rump, but again, I guess I don't care. "The propaganda is
about to Stop!
Hollywood is sick of all the crap jack - after last night, when
me and
Rodzilla proved that the true colours of professional wrestling
are black
and white..." All right, no more transcription for you,
Hogan. He talks
about Goldberg, Rodzilla, and then turns to "family
business," which
means it's once again time for Hogan to accuse a brotha of
dropping
the ball so that we can start a face turn for the victim in
question - in
this case, Scott Hall. It's all HALL'S fault Hogan no longer has
the belt,
you see. Hogan manages to say "crap" one more time, but
I still won't
forgive him for saying "butt" last week when
"ass" would have worked
so much better. Anyway, Hogan *calls Hall out*. "Hey yo, you
questioning MY loyalty to the black-'n'-white? I did everything
ya told
me to do - I waxed Nash with the belt like ya told me to - I done
everything you said because honestly, I need the money. But if
you
want som'a Scott Hall, right here in Vegas, in front of the whole
world
and Nitro - and uh, by the way, by the way, by the way, Goldberg
beat
me, that's true, and then right after that, he took YOUR
belt." Anybody
else watching Bischoff try his damnedest to not mouth along with
everyone? "So Hollywood, you want som'a Scott Hall? Don't
sing it -
bring it." So that's tonight's main event I guess. Hogan
calls himself the
big bad creep. Suddenly, Hogan asks Bischoff what he's laughing
about - I must have missed that. Anyway, Hogan recruits Bischoff
as
the Special Guest Referee. Bischoff waffles but Hogan presses the
issue. Bischoff mouths along with Hall. Before it can come to
blows
right here, right now - Disciple plays the part of the buffer
zone. Then
somebody gives HIM the mic so he can talk about Diamond Dallas
Page - 47 stitches - didn't get the job done - still here - take
care of the
family business - coward Dallas Page - if you've got any guts -
meet
me tonight in the ring. This is so boring, even Hall, gets up and
leaves
the ring. The crowd goes wild, and Disciple is still trying to
talk about
the Apocalypse. Get the hook! Hogan says we're going to find out
"who
4 life is tonight," which is a Yodafication if I e'er heard
one. But did I
mention that Liz was totally foxy looking tonight? Yeah!
Wow, I'll bet THAT quarter hour banged the ratings. I really
think what it
needed was Scott Hall going, "Hey, who put this together,
man? Who
put this thing together? Me, that's who!!!" but he didn't.
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Valvoline.
Buy a Goldberg shirt, or his face will FREEZE like that!
Let us take you to exciting stills from last night's main event -
where
Karl Malone and DDP had the match to win, but thanks to Disciple
making his presence felt with an Apocalypse on Page, it was Hogan
and Rodman scoring the pinfall for the win. These clips,
incidentally,
pretty much captured EVERY manoeuvre performed in this match (4),
which took about 132 minutes of the three hour pay-per-view.
BARBARIAN (with James Hart) v. HORACE (with Lodi, no music, and
no entrance) - they have the NERVE to hype the Encore
presentation
of the pay-per-view. Barbarian dominates, even Jimmy Hart gets to
punch at Horace. Lodi gets up on the apron, and referee
"Blind" Billy
Silverman stares at Horace until he figures out he's going to get
a stop
sign, then turns away so he won't see it. Zbyszko says
"Caligula."
Stop sign shot only gets a 2 count. Hart takes a shot from
Horace.
Barbarian hits the Kick of Fear to the STOP sign, where Horace is
standing, for the pin. (2:05) - my description may have actually
been
more exciting than the match. In come RIGGS, KIDMAN, and LODI -
Barbarian has a good run until taking another stop sign shot. In
to
make the save is - MENG? I thought these guys didn't like each
other
anymore. Anyway, Meng clears the ring of the flock. The Faces of
Fear
are back! No, no, Meng also puts the Tongan Death Grip on
Barbarian,
as the fans go ambivalent. THIS is WCW!
The Castrol GTX Torture Test of the week are replays of this
match -
now THAT'S what I call a torture test! Schiavone characterizes
Meng's
return as "shocking."
Let us take you back to last night's big payperview, where Curt
Hennig
was the best Goldberg opponent ever - oh, but he still lost.
MEAN GENE OKERLUND, always keen to spot a segueway, invites
out CURTRICK HENNIGRUDE - Hennig may have a hand on Okerlund's
rear end, I can't tell. Gene O asks Rude where he was last night,
and
Rude says "somebody cancelled my flight - who could that
have been,
Goldberg?" Ummm... Turning to Hennig, "Let me tell you
what we
learned from last night...Bill Goldberg, I found out the
weakness...tonight, I challenge Bill Goldberg, because I know now
-
Rick, I'd appreciate one thing - let me go out tonight without
you
because I don't want Goldberg going to the fans saying 'the only
reason
Curt Hennig won tonight was because he had Rick Rude at
ringside.'"
Rude says that this ain't a great idea, but seems to go along
with it.
Hennig says he will be the new "WCW Champion,"
forgetting which
shirt he's wearing (again). Take a drink every time either of
them
reminds us of Goldberg's forbidden first name - ah, like the name
of the
Lord himself...
So that's like, three matches that have JUST BEEN MADE. Boy, it's
a
good thing they leave the last hour completely open so that they
can fill
it with the matches made in the first half hour...
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (why yes, I DO
need a
little excitement!), America (ha!) Online, OUTRAGEOUS AWESOME
Ring Pops, and Mead *****, the TOUGHEST name in school supplies.
Let us take you back to last night's big payperview, where Chris
Jericho
managed to act surprised that Rey Mysterio Jr. returned Sunday,
even
though he wrestled him two nights earlier at the big LA Melee.
Oh, and
Mysterio won the Cruiserweight title, no doubt by cheating and
pulling
the hair and putting his feet on the ropes, because NOBODY beats
Jericho.
Gene O interviews J.J. DILLON - again that verboten word
"Bill" is
uttered. It's JUST Goldberg, dammit! They bring out REY MYSTERIO,
JR. (finally! He's back on Nitro! But why is Gene O complementing
his
package?) - so why's Dillon out there? Ahhh, it's because CHRIS
MONDAY JERICHO done come out with a WCW rule book (I wish
someone would send ME one of those) to rain on Mysterio's parade.
Apparently, on page 257 of the WCW Rulebook, it says that
"For the
safety of the athletes involved, if a wrestler is suspended...and
affects
the outcome of the match, that decision shall be null and
void." Bottom
line: when Dean Malenko came out last night, the Jericho/Mysterio
match should have been null and void, and therefore, Jericho
should get
the belt back. Dillon says well, Jericho's correct. Wow, they
didn't even
have to run that by the Championship committee or anything!
"JoJo,
you tell Ron Mysterio Jr. to GIVE ME BACK MY BELT! Come on,
Ron!" Yeah, he REALLY called him Ron - that's why it's
funny! Even if it
IS still what some folks call "a Dusty finish." Before
Mysterio forks over
the belt, DEAN MALENKO has sauntered out to do his Iceman bit.
Jericho calls him "Stinko Malenko," and goes on to
propose that
Malenko and Mysterio fight tonight for a shot at the title. Since
M&M
are idiots, they both okay it. Dillon says okay. So that's FOUR
matches that didn't exist before this show started...hmmm...I
hope they
don't have to bump any SCHEDULED, ANNOUNCED matches!
Gene O narrates the Starburst Fruit Chews Pin on a Map road
report -
this week, THUNDER! emanates from Oakland, Cali - even though
it's
mere miles away from this computer, I'm gonna take the
passarooney.
HOWEVER, if WCW really wants to win me over, I'll graciously
accept
an all access pass to the event - I'll even show up and stay out
of the
way!
That's three quarter hours - one match actually fought, four
matches
scheduled. Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls! And their outfits are
all SHINY!
Let's look at a crappy Nitro Party. Remember, they only show the
GOOD ones - the ones that WIN! Can you IMAGINE what the bad ones
must be like? Oh yeah, drink Mug, the foam goes straight to your
brain, blah blah blah.
The Treacherous Three talk about Hennig/Goldberg, later tonight,
also
Hall/Hogan, later tonight, Eric Bischoff special referee, and now
Let Us
Take You Back to Monday Nitro, 15 June, where NWO Hollywood
invaded the cage to take apart Randy Savage's knee. Randy Savage
-
hmmm, I wondered what happened to that guy. Why do they bring
this
up now?
Well, because it's time for HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN (with 2x4 and
flag) v. RICK FULLER (no music, no entrance) - and if you don't
see a
connection, you just haven't been watching Nitro long enough.
Duggan's best offensive move in this match is to get out of the
way of a
second rope splash by Fuller. Finisher is Duggan's choice for
THIS
year's Worst Move of the Year - the Old Glory kneedrop. (1:49) I
suppose it could be worse - it could have gotten more time than
Horace/Barbarian...
Get wired at www.wcwwrestling.com! Or, just poke yourself in the
eye
with a sharp stick!
The FIREWORKS! and the TV-PG-DV box signify the second hour (I
only have 54 after, but close enough if RAW starts in three
minutes,
eh?) Schiavone runs down all the exciting, just made matches that
will
take place tonight. The Treacherous Three talk about the exciting
hour
that's just taken place, and then Let Us Take You Back to Nitro,
where
BUFF BAGWELL made his return. THIS is what they use to combat
the beginning of RAW? I mean, it was a nice segment, but it's a
damn
rerun! A rerun, I say! Clips of Bagwell leaving the limo, Bagwell
talking
about not appearing on NWO Late Hour no matter WHAT Steiner or
Bischoff say, Bagwell blatantly sucking up to Atlanta, then his
mother,
hey I gave them props LAST week so don't complain about me
bashing
it this week.
Now to REALLY pile it on, Gene O brings out BUFF BAGWELL, who is
being wheeled by DR. MICHAEL SAPELLA (sp?) this week. Okerlund
asks about Bagwell's allegiances to NWO/WCW. Bagwell says he
needs to first get rehabilitated, then what he needs to do is
face the
man who did this to him - RICK STEINER. Out he comes, in a cast.
I
get cynical and think Buff's going to get up and waffle him, but
before I
can think about that, out comes YOU KNOW WHO and DISCIPLE.
Hogan: "You know something - the one thing I hate more than
a couple
cowards is a couple cripples, so the best thing for you to do,
Hound
Dog, is to stay back. Hold on brother [to Buff], you don't need
to do
nothing except what I tell you. Now, when you joined NWO, this
black'n'white thing was for life, brother. When you joined the
black'n'white NWO, I taught you how to be a man, so why don't you
start acting like one. Wait a minute, little Buffy - all the
babyface crap
I've been hearing out here - instead of Buff Bagwell, maybe it
should be
Cream Puff Bagwell and by the way, I'm tired of looking at you,
and you
make me sick" and then he pushes over the wheelchair. Geez,
doesn't
Hogan have ENOUGH on his plate already? Or maybe he wants a feud
he can win... well, anyway, this will go down as another
"get off my
chest" interview that we never hear the end of - goes with
DDP joining
the Wolfpack, Hart telling us why he helped Hogan beat Savage for
the
title - oh, you don't like it when I bring that stuff up? Sorry.
Hey, let's have a Goldberg T-shirt ad EVERY HOUR!
Let Us Take You Back to last night's payperview and Television
Title
bout between Bret Hart and Booker T, which was actually pretty
darn
good until Hart decided the TV title was a worthless hunk of tin,
and got
himself disqualified with the judicious use of a chair, followed
by a
ringpost figure four. Stevie Ray didn't exactly come to his
brother's aid,
so much as sauntered out and watched.
FIT FINLEY v. BRET HART - Tenay runs down the major knee injuries
that Booker T has - he'll be out four to six weeks (but
apparently get to
hold onto the title). Hart comes out to the NWO theme but isn't
wearing
a NWO shirt. I'm thinking this could FINALLY be a good match
tonight!
Lockup, to the ropes, break. Lockup, Finley with a side headlock.
Commentators talk about other matches. To the corner and Hart is
using closed fists, and choking. Well, so much for this match.
Hart
runs Finley's face across the top rope. Headbutts by Hart. Rake
of the
eyes. Finley finally returns with an eyepoke. European uppercut
and
Hart goes down. Schiavone talks about Hogan's new low while
Finley
gets a 2 count. To the corner and FINLEY is choking away. Big
punch.
Short clothesline by Finley. Kneedrop. Finley's stompin'! Now
both men
are out and Finley is brawlin' like a good Irish guy. Or so I've
heard.
Hart turns the tide with a Golotta and introduces Finley's head
to a
myriad of STEEL objects. Hart drops Finley's back across the knee
-
Head to the ... lower abdomen. Vicious European uppercut by Hart
-
Finley fires back. Now it's Finley with a slam, an elbowdrop, and
a
chinlock. "We want Flair" chant is heard. Hart is
running his own head
into Finley's gut. Irish whip, but Finley sticks a foot up as
Hart follows.
Another short clothesline by the Bruiser for 2. Whip, reversal,
atomic
drop by Hart, lariat by Hart. Hart's going for the Scorpion
Deathlock but
Finley gets to the ropes - Hart pulls him back out and cinches it
in.
Finley - TAPS OUT?!? (4:28)
Sigh. Fit Finley is now in the "Renegade" class of
former television
champions.
This week WCW hits Reno, Oaktown for THUNDER!, Sacramento, and
Spokane. I guess they cancelled the Stockton show? Or is it sold
out?
By the way, if you watch WorldWide (and who doesn't?) in the Bay
Area, you got to see Lee Marshall hype the Oakland show by
interviewing Konnan - apparently, his Uncle Chewie will be in the
parking lot getting us good seats! The funniest thing I've ever
seen
K-Dawg do (which isn't much!)
Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! Well, four (eight) of them.
Mug Root Beer thing - send in your Nitro Party tapes. Tony
botches the
Mug slogan by saying "the foam goes right to your
brain!"
STEVIE RAY (with TV title belt) v. RICK MARTEL (with fat knee
brace)
- hey, Martel's back! Along with that groovy music! Oh yeah,
Stevie
Ray has his brotha's belt. Now can you dig it? Commentators can't
even figure out that it's the TV title - damn they are stupid.
For an
encore, Zbyszko manages to remind us that HE was a former
Television Title holder - yeah, you bastard, you beat my hero
Steve
Regal. Martel hasn't been around a while, so I'll forgive him for
making
those "I want da belt" hand motions as if this were
really a TV title
match. This match is basically Stevie putting the hurt on Martel,
then
Martel coming back when logic is furthest away. Commentators give
up
on trying to figure out if it's the TV title and talk about the
NWO
instead. While both men are on the outside, we take an ad break.
Why
not?
When we come back, Martel is on his back and Stevie Ray is
walking
around. Whip, sunset flip attempt succeeds, 1, 2, no. Now it's
Martel
with a sceond wind. Dropkick for 2. Arm wringer, with some knees
to
the arm for good measure. Zbyszko says that Stevie's unhappy that
Booker T is "hanging out with 'the man.'" Martel
continues to work on
the arm. Crowd isn't exactly digging this, if you catch my drift.
Armbar
type manoeuvre. Crowd is actually pleading for a "Brawl for
All" match
now. Stevie with a forward slam to break up the Martel sequence,
but
misses an elbow. Back body drop by Martel. Elbow for 2. Whip into
the
corner, but Martel eats an elbow, then a boot. Ray makes the
"it's over"
hand signal. Pickup, go behind, belly-to-back suplex by Martel.
Time
for the Quebec Crab, but here's BRET HART with a chair - and a
shot
to the head of Martel. Of course, referee "Blind"
Mickey Jay completely
missed it. Stevie Ray applies the slapjack. 1, 2, 3. (8:58)
Gene O interviews Stevie Ray. "What's the deal with you and
Bret
Hart?" "There is no deal. My brother is in the hospital
recovering from
injuries he received last night...My brother gave me power of
attorney to
defend the belt against anybody." So Stevie Ray is
apparently the
World Television champion. When Okerlund presses him to supply
documentation, Stevie says that he doesn't have it this week,
maybe
next week.
The Money Store (and Jim Palmer!) underwrite tonight's closed
captioning.
THUNDER! ad. When they show clips from last week, do you think
they actually realise they're showing another awful table shot
where the
table doesn't break?
Let Us Take You Back to last night's superspectacular, where
Disco
Inferno and Konnan had a bonus match. Match ended when Lex Luger
put Alex Wright in a Torture Rack. Or something. Why do we show
you
these highlights? Well, because the next match is
BARRY "I'LL BREAK HIS STINKIN' ARM" DARSOW v. KONNAN
(with
Muta - err, Sting) - Bobby Heenan is out, WHY does he turn into
Ed
McMahon when the Wolfpack theme is playing? Oh boy, a FRESH
perspective on tonight's main events with Heenan here! Konnan
wants
to speak on dis - so let's get that call and response thing out
of the
way. Sting says "Bowdy bowdy" instead of Konnan. Match
is all
Darsow at the start - take a drink every time he says
"stinkin'."
Clothesline for 2. I guess tonight we find out if Konnan is
REALLY in
the doghouse if Darsow wins - oops, missed in the corner. Konnan
with
a somersault into a clothesline. Seated dropkick. Kick/flapjack
combo -
Tequila Sunrise. He's just like Bret Hart with his OWN Five Moves
of
Death(tm). Submission victory for Uncle Chewie's nephew. (2:00)
The WCW Power Plant is the Harvard...no, I won't say it. Nope.
Gene O is in the ring and says the crowd is "literally
hanging from the
rafters." Hmmm, he hasn't said "shank of the evening
yet." Out comes
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, in his new outfit (with shiny jeans!) and
walking through the crowd. "Hollywood 'Scum' Hogan's shadow,
his
boy, the Disciple, is crying cause I hit him in the coconut and
laid him
for 47 stitches in the head...pfft...I got stitches all over my
face, I've
been thrown through video walls, I've been hit with crutches,
I've been
hit with a kitchen sink, oh yeah, and chairs, and I'm not
crying." Upshot
is that he accepts the match. Hey, let's do it now!
BOOTY DISCIPLE v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE - the problem with
Disciple is, when he takes off his sunglasses, he looks like
Brutus
Beefcake. It's all Page until the cheatin' starts - Disciple with
a Golotta.
Choke on the rope. Big choke in the corner. "DDP" chant
is moderate.
Double thrust to the throat. Hairpull to a face in the corner. Oh
look,
Page's ribs are taped, that's new. DISMAL piledriver by the
Disciple.
And now RICK RUDE is out. Page with a jawbreaker. Page climbin'
the
ropes - and Rude crotches him. Rude is up on the apron - this of
course, means, that Page manages to shake off Disciple and run
him
into Rude, to a schoolboy for the pin (2:25). Is Page bleeding?
Everyone's disappointed that there was no diamond cutter. Page
walks
out through the crowd - until YOU KNOW WHO and VINCENZO paste
Page with a chair and leave him laying. Hey, you think Page and
Hogan - you know - still have issues?
The Awesome 3 still have some exciting upcoming matches to talk
about! But first, Hogan is so dangerous because he doesn't have
his
title. Oh boy, he's dangerous. Uh huh. Yup. Dangerous. Hogan.
Tenay
points out how much Hogan's been all over my television tonight -
I
hope that means that the ratings are sucking right now.
KANYON v. - well, I don't know. RAVEN atatcks from behind, but
then
SATURN attacks from behind THAT. Apparently, this is a triangle
match - well, I hope they can squeeze it in in two minutes! Raven
and
Saturn make it to the ring first, nice suplex by Saturn. Punches
by
Saturn until Kanyon is in and Saturn is in a spinning
neckbreaker.
Saturn's on Raven until Kanyon's up - then THEY trade blows while
Raven sits back and smiles. Saturn wins their exchange, but
before he
can turn to Raven, Kanyon is back up. Tenay calls Kanyon
"the
innovator of offense" again, even though we've seen that
damn fireman's
carry into a flapjack in every SINGLE Kanyon match for the past
month. Saturn clotheslines Kanyon and they both are out of the
ring.
Saturn pushes aside the STEEL steps and finds a table under the
ring
(Heenan calls it a "chair" to piss off Tony. Ha!)
Kanyon is placed on the
table -let's see if Saturn can break it this week - plancha! Yes!
Table is
broken! Raven motions to LODI, who has appeared from nowhere, and
he puts Saturn in the ring. Into the corner, Saturn fights off a
superplex
attempt, but before he can dive, Kanyon crotches him. Now both
Kanyon and Saturn are on differen corners. Kanyon misses - Saturn
hits a splash. 1, 2, Kanyon makes the save. Kanyon drops Saturn
on
top in a corner - Raven is under - double superplex! Raven covers
Kanyon - 1, 2, no - Raven covers Saturn - 1, 2, no. Kanyon hits
the
Flatliner on Raven, but Saturn dropkicks Kanyon's head to make
the
save. Well, we all know Raven's gonna win, right? Spicolli driver
on
Raven! 1, 2, Saturn is pulled away by Kanyon! Oh no, referee
"Blind"
Billy Silverman is counting - is this a no-"no
countouts" match?
Apparently so. Raven wins the match (COR 5:42) and Kanyon and
Saturn brawl back to the commentators, and then on.
Promotional consideration paid for by David sunflower seeds,
Motel 6
7/8, Hot Pockets, and (We're Not AOL) Compu$erve. Here's a switch
-
the third hour starts EXACTLY on time! Oh, it's rated TV-PG-DV.
Tonight we'll have some matches. I heard something about them
earlier. FIREWORKS!
Let Us Take You Back To Earlier Tonight, where Chris Jericho once
again proves that he's Mr. Loophole, getting his belt back, and
coercing
Dean Malenko and Rey Mysterio Jr. into a #1 Contender's Match.
FLYING FURY REY MYSTERIO JR. v. DEAN MALENKO in a #1
Cruiserweight Contender's Match - They shake hands to start -
that's
nice. Wow, THIS is actually great stuff - good 'n' fast, lots of
counters
and switches, there's no way I can keep up with a play-by-play,
so I
just sat back and watched - and for five minutes, I got a clinic.
Even the
missed spot (Mysterio was supposed to leap and land on the top
rope,
but slipped and fell over instead) was integrated into the match
like it
was SUPPOSED to happen. Five minutes of wrestling bliss! Then,
CHRIS JERICHO came out, nailed Malenko from behind with the belt
and ran away. Mickey Jay missed it, as he was tending to
Mysterio,
who was the victim of a supergutbuster. Mysterio, also unaware of
the
shenanigans, covered for the pin. Damn you, WCW. (5:32)
DISCO INFERNO & TANZEN ALEX WRIGHT v. KEVIN NASH & THE
NARCISSIST (with Konnan and the Stinger) - Disco's whahnin' 'bout
his
loss at last night's fantastic payperview, and does a fair bit of
rhyming
to boot. We are spared another Wolfpack interview - wait, I spake
too
soon. Nash: "Las Vegas Nevada - (is his voice gone?) -
Wolfpack in the
howwwwwwwwwwwwwse!" I wonder if they can manage to squeeze
this into two minutes. Disco and Luger start. Luger with the big
pec
flex. Tag to Alex Wright. Thirty seconds gone. Lockup, armdrag by
Wright. Luger with a big reversal. Wright with a triple kipup and
an
armdrag (wow!). Wright's tanzen. Luger with a big lariat and a
big
hiptoss in response. Big - well, it resembles a back body drop.
Disco
comes in, Lex takes 'em both out and poses again. After a
consultation
on the outside, Konnan decides to get involved, attacking Disco
from
behind - so Wright attacks Konnan from behind. He does pretty
well,
even knocking off his visor. Until Konnan whips Wright into a
barricade,
then Sting gives him a Stinger splash (hey, the Sting *I* knew
would
never do that!) Meanwhile, Nash is in - big boot to the face.
Crowd is
nuts, of course. Luger has Wright in the big Rack - Nash with the
jackknife powerbomb on Disco - referee "Blind" Charles
Robinson
immediately disqualifies the Wolfpack and the dancers win! The
dancers win! The dancers win! No, actually, Robinson forgets
about
powerbombs being illegal and counts the pinfall. (2:36) Wolfpack
wins,
crowd digs it, Sting and Konnan are all smiles. God, I hate this
show
sometimes.
Let us take you back to THUNDER! where Steve McMichael prattles
on
about Arn Anderson, then takes us back to a Fall Brawl interview
where
Arn buries Ric Flair. Boy, Gene O's really aged well, hasn't he?
That
was sarcasm. McMichael talks about fire and the Horsemen and Arn
and NOT Ric Flair. Suck suck suck suck suck.
EDDIE GUERRERO (with hair) v. STEVE "MONGO" McMICHAEL
(with
four fingers) - Commentators try to hype the Encore presentation
by
bringing up how Chavo shaved himself - whatever. Eddie
immediately
starts off with a great dropkick and doesn't let up. Kick, kick,
choke,
measured kicks, body attacks, dropkick to the back. Eyepoke.
Whip,
clothesline, step on the face. Whip, reverse, McMichael comes
back
with a slam. Tony interrupts his commentary to tell us that he
has an
injury update on Diamond Dallas Page - and that is, that there is
no
update. Meanwhile, Mongo with a big suplex, and a football clip.
Oh
boy, here comes PSYCHO CHAVO BALDO DOMO, in cowboy hat and
riding Pepe - so I guess he's trying to become - giggle titter -
a
HORSEMAN! Nick Patrick is calling for the bell, but doesn't get
it for a
good fifteen or twenty seconds (DQ 2:11ish) - Eddie dropkicks
Chavo
into Mongo, who turns around, beats up Chavo and spikes him with
a
Tombstone, then leaves. Apparently, Mongo won that match. Okay...
Road Wild is 8 August! And man, Travis Tritt is gonna be there!
'Cause
when you think Hogs and ridin', man, you're thinkin' COUNTRY
MUSIC!
Well, we've got a half hour left - time for those big matches,
isn't it?
Why, yes! Let Us Take You Back To Earlier Tonight - when Hogan
gives the "you dropped the ball" speech to Hall and
requests the
pleasure of his company at a match later tonight.
MICHAEL BUFFER is wearing a coat that would look GREAT if I could
huk a Cherry Slurpee at it - you know, if they hadn't signed
these two
matches, what would Buffer have introduced? Horace/Barbarian? The
Special Referee is introduced, which means we get to hear that
groovy
"NWO Monday Nitro" theme one more time (they're
amortizing the
cost! Yahoo!) I smell reheated Voodoo chili, which is weird,
because
this is the first time I can recall in a LONG time that they've
played the
Hendrix cut twice in a night. Bischoff's wearing a Hogan shirt,
by the
way, which would align him with Bret Hart. Hey, now that I think
about
it, Bret Hart wasn't out with black'n'white earlier tonight
either, was he?
Hogan is again accompanied by the Disciple, while Hall comes out
alone. This would be a great time for an ad break, but I haven't
called
anything ELSE correctly tonight, so let's get it started!
YOU KNOW WHO (with Disciple) v. SCOTT HALL - we start with the
prerequisite toothpick shot - one for Hogan, one for Bischoff.
Lockup -
no, Hogan with a kick, shot to the face, rack of the back, stuff
of the
mouth with the doorag. Hall bites his fingers and that breaks
that up.
Heenan pisses off Tony by asking about biting. Lockup, Hall in
control,
now he's barring the arm. Hogan powers Hall to the ground.
"Hogan
sucks" chant is with vim and vigor. Lockup, Hogan with the
wristlock,
Hall reverses. Hall tries to muss up Hogan's hair but he doesn't
have
any. Arm wringer by Hall, but Hogan with a lariat and down he
goes.
Hogan with a double thrust, then a shot to the throat. Punches in
bunches, and Bischoff fails to chastise Hogan for the closed
fists.
Hogan musses up Hall's hair. Head to the turnbuckle. Irish whip
and
Hogan follows with a clothesline. Hogan with a punch to the face
and a
rake of the face. Hall fires back. Hall off the ropes, but the
Disciple hits
him from behind. Commentators are livid, saying Bischoff has
picked
sides - like it matters to them, come on. Hogan with a
clothesline,
punch, an ATOMIC DROP?!?! (Hogan's aresenal!) and an inside
cradle
- Hall grabs the bottom rope but Bischoff STILL has a two count.
Disciple chokes Hall while Hogan and Bischoff trade stares. To
the
corner, Hall stops and reverses, driving Hogan's head into the
turnbuckle. To the other corner, it's all Hall now, despite
Bischoff's
attempts at verbally restraining Hall. Fallaway slam by Hall and
a cover
- Bischoff paces around and doesn't count. Now Hall is up and
shoving
Bischoff - Hogan is behind with a sleeper - make that a choke.
Arm
falls only twice, to Bischoff's consternation. Hall manages to go
behind,
whip Hogan, and put on a sleeper of his own - Bischoff is quick
to
break it up. Again Hall turns to Bischoff - and Hogan hits a
Golotta,
which Bischoff ignores. Heenan comes around: "You know Tony,
I think
he's one-sided." Hogan with a boot to the 'nads. Rake of the
face by
Hogan. Punch to the eyes. Whip, big boot. Is it almost over?
Hogan
cups his hand to his ear - oh boy, here's DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE to
confuse us some more. Punch to Hogan and a spinning lariat - down
goes the Disciple - Diamond Cutter for Bischoff! Now Hogan and
Disciple have come around and are doubleteaming Page - well, now
here's KEVIN NASH, who takes out Hogan and the Disciple, trades
the
Wolfpack sign with Hall (! - crowd goes nuts!) and sets up Hogan
for
the jackknife - but then Hall crowns Nash from behind (WTF?) -
now we
need a scorecard. Hogan and Disciple are back on Page, and Hall
and
Nash are fighting. Hogan with the Leg Drop of Doom on Page,
another
legdrop for Page. VINCENZO is out for no good reason. Hall with a
whip
of Nash and a follow clothesline. Hall is paintbrushing Nash's
hair, now
he's crotch-chopping (oh no!) - NOW we take an ad break. Hmm,
let's
call it (no contest 8:38).
When we come back, let's have some replays - Nash runs in and
saves
Page. Okay. Nash and Hall do the Wolfpack thing. Too sweet! Nash
has Hogan in the jackknife position - no, Hall's screwing him
again!
Now, what we missed during the break - Hogan and Hall,
EMBRACING. Well, I didn't NEED to see that. Besides, does it
really
explain ANYTHING?
Michael Buffer does that thing he does with the thing. By my
watch,
we've got seven minutes to the hour - which begs the question:
What
could they possibly do with those other six minutes? Wellll,
Hennig's
entrance takes 1:46, Goldberg's entrance - let's save it for
below. Hey,
you know what that "Goldberg" chant reminds me of?
Remember how
WWF fans would try to piss of IRS by chanting
"Irwin....Irwin...?" That's
it exactly.
#1 CONTENDER CURTRICK HENNIGRUDE (without Rick Rude) v. (bill
"112-0") GOLDBERG for the WCW World Heavyweight
Championship
- Let's see - they actually made a GOLDBERG nameplate for the
belt -
I bet he holds on to it tonight. Staredown. Hennig talks trash,
then
slaps Goldberg. 'berg roars. Forearm shot - whip, spear, growl.
You
know - jackhammer - this sucks. 1, 2, 3. (entrance 3:13, match
1:22)
Not that you asked, but sometimes I think I'd rather be outside
watching the stars...
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
chris@kzim.